It’s that time of year again where many of us reflect upon the past and plan for the future. As we look ahead, we consider what we need to do differently. We ask ourselves if we have seen a return on our investments…our investments of time, money, relationships, jobs, passions, etc. We question whether or not we’ve done the right things and whether or not we are doing we what love to do–what we were meant to do. 

If this is the first time you’re considering the purpose for your life, or if you don’t know where to start on this quest for your purpose, read our earlier posts, Finding Your Purpose – Parts 1 and 2, for practical ways to find clues about your purpose and to discover more about your personality, behaviors, and motivations.

If you’ve been on this purpose journey for a while, then this next piece of advice may be valuable during your time of reflection. I was listening to an episode of The Kingdom Driven Entrepreneur (KDE) Podcast when the former host, Amos Johnson, Jr., said, “Our entire purpose while we’re living is to become more like God.” 

Later in the episode, Shea Bynes, co-founder of KDE, shared these words she heard someone say at church the day before: “Don’t pursue purpose. Pursue God.”

Those are important messages no matter where you are on this purpose journey.
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Key Takeaways:

#1 – When we prioritize spending time with God and focus on emulating Him, we won’t have to worry about missing, mistaking, or mishandling our purpose.

#2 – Regardless of what we do, i.e, the businesses we establish, positions we hold, passions we pursue, strategies we employ, audiences we grow, followers we nurture, courses we teach, clients we coach, content we create, words we speak, investments we make, or income we earn, God’s character should be evident in every interaction and transaction we have, because we should be looking like Him.
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Clear and Present Purpose

“The more we spend time with Him, the more He reveals those things that He wants us to do.”

From The Kingdom Driven Entrepreneur Podcast (KDE 004: Overcoming Fear, Part 3, Shea Bynes, co-founder of Kingdom Driven Entrepreneur)

Dealing with hurt can be challenging, especially for us peacemakers and optimists.

Personally, I prefer to distance myself as far away from pain as possible when someone hurts me. Though I’ve learned the importance of sometimes staying present in pain, I also believe it’s important for us to reduce the control that hurt tries to have over us.

We can start this process by doing three things: 1) being honest with ourselves, 2) being intentional about our choices and actions, and 3) relying on God’s power.

Dealing With Hurt From Others Requires Honesty

First, we need to assess how we feel about being wronged, and then how we feel about that person who wronged us. We should speak the truth to ourselves. An awful thing happened to us. We are wounded. We feel pain. We are suffering, and we don’t know how, when, or if we will ever recover (or even want to).

If we’re still trying to process what happened to us, we can speak truth to what we are feeling in the moment–even if it’s numbness.

Key takeaway: Be honest about what’s hurting you and why it hurts.

After we identify how we really feel, what are we going to do about it? That leads us to the next thing we must do.

Dealing With Hurt From Others Requires Intentionality

Second, we must make a conscious decision to not let our thoughts and actions be consumed by the pain we feel. This doesn’t mean we deny the pain or the feeling. It simply means we will not allow the anguish to invade our mental and emotional spaces. We will not permit the pain or person to overpower us. 

We decide to no longer hold on to the weight of the ugly thing that person left us to carry. We define who we are by our own actions; we are not defined by theirs.

When we choose not to hold a grudge and/or seek revenge, we prevent callous layers from forming around our hearts and souls, and from choking our essence.

This path in our process is not an easy one to take. The terrain can change from rocky ground to bumpy roads, from smooth streets to steep climbs, and from flat lands to muddy waters. Included in these changes are often numerous twists and turns as well. But we can move from where we are today to where we hope and want to be.

Key takeaway: We must be intentional about freeing ourselves from pain that can permanently pin us down.

Once we’ve taken deliberate action, how can we sustain it? Let’s look at the final thing we can do.

Dealing With Hurt From Others Requires God’s Power

Third, we can rely on God’s power. Whether we have a lot of little wounds or a few large ones, caring for each of them takes time, attention, and energy. We can become weary tending to our own wounds, especially if while we are tending to some, we are experiencing new ones.

The hurt and pain can cause us to want to give up, but God can give us inexplicable strength to fully recover from all of our wounds. God can also give us inexplicable strength to interact with, and exhibit His love to, those who wounded us. But let’s be clear…

All hurt is not equal. It shows up in a variety of ways and is as diverse as the people who caused our hurt. One response, one remedy, or one recommendation does not fit for every type of hurt. And every person will not respond to hurt and pain in the same way. 

If you’re in a toxic or abusive situation, or if you’ve experienced trauma, seeking a licensed professional who is educated and skilled in guiding and supporting you while you deal with hurt, can be valuable. 

Your safety is most important.

Key takeaways: Though we can tend to our own wounds and fully recover, we don’t need to do it alone. We can do it in God’s strength. He gives us access to it.

Final Thoughts

• All hurt is not equal.
• Everyone’s response to hurt and pain is different.
• Let’s be intentional about reducing the control that pain has in our lives.
• We don’t have to process pain alone. If needed, we can seek professional help. We can rely on God’s power.

“Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” ~George Santanya

Often when I hear or even talk about facing the past, I’m thinking about my life back when I was a child. And we know there are numerous research articles, books, podcast, testimonials, and anecdotes about the benefits of going way back in our lives to deal with our issues.

Even if we’ve already done the hard work of looking at or working through our childhood past, perhaps the past you and I need to look at now is not that far away from our present day. 

If you’re like me, you have made some recent mistakes that are heavy on your heart. You feel a strong need to right these wrongs and, yet, you have to accept what you did and not let them chain you down to those places in time. 

The good news is that we can do both! First, we can face the hard facts (i.e., be real about how these mistakes affect us, commit to deeper emotional work that will help us to recognize the behaviors we have and what in our past they’re connected to, and stop the behaviors so that we don’t repeat them).

Second, we can ask for God’s forgiveness, ask for forgiveness from others, commit to reconciling the situation, and then press on in the present.

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” (Isa. 43:18-19, NIV)

How can we let go, you ask?

We can open up our hands to release the past, and open up our hearts to receive God’s grace and mercy in the present day.

“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” (Lamentations 3:22-23, ESV)

Consider the following questions:

1. What did you do last year, last month, last week, or even yesterday that you need to own? 
2. How does that situation relate to your past? Relate to how you were raised? Relate to what you believe about the world? About yourself? About others? 
3. How is that situation impacting your present and your future?
4. What did you learn in your past that motivates your unwanted behaviors? 

Each time we honestly assess and address our past behaviors, the chains that try to keep us bound to our mistakes will become looser and looser, making it easier for us to live freely in the present.

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The Present Is a Window Into the Past

Our fear of bringing secrets and sin into the light, however, drives many people to prefer the illusion that if they don’t think about it, it somehow goes away. It doesn’t. Unhealed wounds open us up to habitual sin against God and others…

…the more we know about our families, the more we know about ourselves–and the more freedom we have to make decisions about how we want to live. We can say: “This is what I want to keep. This is what I do not want to bring with me to the next generation.”

From “Emotionally Healthy Spirituality” by Peter Scazzero

“There is no growth in the comfort zone. There is no comfort in the growth zone.”

The first time I heard this quote and the idea of getting comfortable with being uncomfortable was from one of my managers. She had a wonderful way of challenging us, her direct reports, while staying attuned to our strengths. 

This statement sticks with me, because I am a creature of comfort. I enjoy relaxing in my comfy spot on the couch with a hot cup of tea. I enjoy eating my comfort food: dark chocolate candy bar loaded with almonds. I enjoy wrapping in my snuggly, cozy, comfy blanket to stay warm while streaming my favorite movies. I feel extremely comfortable when I’m connecting with family and friends who “get” me. 

There’s a lot of personal peace in comfort. There’s a lot of professional peace in comfort as well. 

When I know what I’m doing at work, and others trust my abilities and expertise, I have a great deal of professional comfort. However, when I land a new job and go from being the expert to being a novice in just a matter of weeks, I feel very uneasy. Over the years, I’ve learned that discomfort both professionally and personally can be a sign of growth.

Carol Dweck is known for her work with the concepts of fixed and growth mindsets. The Growth Mindset Institute provides us with the following definitions:

• Fixed Mindset. People believe that they are either smart or talented, or not and there is no way to change this. They may learn less than they could while also shying away from challenges. When they fail, they tend to tell themselves they can’t or won’t be able to do it (“I just can’t learn to play music”), or they make excuses to rationalize the failure (“I would have passed the test if I had a better teacher”).
• Growth Mindset. People believe that their most basic abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work. Their brains and talent are just the starting point. This view creates a love of learning and a resilience that is essential for great accomplishment. People may learn more and view challenges and failures as opportunities to improve and grow.

We can stay stuck in a fixed mindset when we hold on to behaviors that made us successful, helped us achieve goals, brought us recognition, etc. If we believe we have natural giftings and can only do what we are naturally good at, then we may have a more difficult time believing we can stretch ourselves to learn and do more.

According to Dweck, the goal of the growth mindset is learning. There is so much more ahead of us if we would be willing to push past the pain and embrace the education that comes with growing.

We can’t stay stuck in the past relying on our old achievements to keep us fresh for upcoming challenges. 

We should desire to develop new skills, sharpen old ones, and become the best version of who we want to be and are designed by God to be.

We can see examples of growth and fixed mindsets in Scripture:

• Fixed Mindset (Moses). “Master, please, I don’t talk well. I’ve never been good with words, neither before nor after you spoke to me. I stutter and stammer.” 
  
  God said, “And who do you think made the human mouth? And who makes some mute, some deaf, some sighted, some blind? Isn’t it I, God? So, get going. I’ll be right there with you—with your mouth! I’ll be right there to teach you what to say.”
  
  He said, “Oh, Master, please! Send somebody else!”
  
  God got angry with Moses: “Don’t you have a brother, Aaron the Levite? He’s good with words, I know he is. He speaks very well. In fact, at this very moment he’s on his way to meet you. When he sees you he’s going to be glad. You’ll speak to him and tell him what to say. I’ll be right there with you as you speak and with him as he speaks, teaching you step by step. He will speak to the people for you. He’ll act as your mouth, but you’ll decide what comes out of it… .” (Exodus 4:10-17 MSG)

• Growth Mindset (Gideon). “Me, my master? How and with what could I ever save Israel? Look at me. My clan’s the weakest in Manasseh and I’m the runt of the litter.” 
  
  God said to him, “I’ll be with you. Believe me, you’ll defeat Midian as one man.”
  
  Gideon said, “If you’re serious about this, do me a favor: Give me a sign to back up what you’re telling me. Don’t leave until I come back and bring you my gift.”
  
  He said, “I’ll wait till you get back.”
  
  Gideon went and prepared a young goat and a huge amount of unraised bread (he used over half a bushel of flour!). He put the meat in a basket and the broth in a pot and took them back under the shade of the oak tree for a sacred meal.
  
  The angel of God said to him, “Take the meat and unraised bread, place them on that rock, and pour the broth on them.” Gideon did it.
  
  The angel of God stretched out the tip of the stick he was holding and touched the meat and the bread. Fire broke out of the rock and burned up the meat and bread while the angel of God slipped away out of sight. And Gideon knew it was the angel of God… ! (Judges 6:15-22 MSG)

Both men questioned their abilities, and in both instances, God urged them to trust Him. 

Moses was much more comfortable with who he was and less confident about what he could do or become. As a result, God paired Moses with his brother, Aaron, who would do the talking.

Just like Moses, Gideon was not confident. He was content on staying where he was and where others thought he should be. He was scared and preferred to stay hidden. He had lots of questions and even triple checked the conversation to make sure he was hearing God correctly. 

The difference between Moses and Gideon is that Moses stayed stuck in safety and asked for a substitute. Gideon stepped out of comfort, slipped on courage, and acted on what God said in spite of not being confident.

“What got you here won’t take you there.” ~Marshall Goldsmith, Executive Leadership Coach and Author

The above statement is a book title by Goldsmith that is primarily focused on business growth and success. The statement is also relevant to personal growth and success.

God’s Word sheds light on the concept. In Philippians 3:12-16 (NLT), Paul writes…

I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me. No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us. Let all who are spiritually mature agree on these things. If you disagree on some point, I believe God will make it plain to you. But we must hold on to the progress we have already made.

The Gospel of Jesus according to the writer, Luke, notes that even Jesus developed his human nature:  “And Jesus kept increasing in wisdom and in stature, and in favor with God and men” (Luke 2:52 AMP).

Like Jesus, Gideon, and many others, we will begin welcoming and even pursuing new opportunities and experiences if we can start becoming more comfortable with being uncomfortable.

We will change from having a fixed mindset to a flourishing mental state.

We will move more quickly from our safety zone to a stretch-me zone.

When I hear the phrase, “I’m hooked,” I usually think of something good. Someone is loving a new restaurant, and they keep going there. Someone discovered a new TV show they can’t stop watching or a book they can’t put down. 

In writing, a hook is an attention-grabbing word, phrase, or sentence that draws an audience in to read, buy, or review the content you put out there.

Recently, I read a definition for hooks that surprised me.

In her book, Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change and Thrive in Work and Life, Susan David describes hooks as “pre-programmed cognitive and emotional responses” (p. 38). In other words, they are go-to responses and reactions we have. 

I interpreted her definition to mean being on autopilot. We’re so attached to a way of thinking, doing, and feeling because it’s been ingrained in us for so long. We don’t even realize how much our hooks impact or influence our relationships, our work, and our self-image.

The biggest problem with hooks is that they don’t benefit us. They are routine behaviors we’re used to and are often based on fiction and not facts. Hooks are potentially destructive ways of thinking and feeling that influence our actions. 

There are different types of hooks. We may be attached to one or more of them. (Chapter 2)

1. Thought-Blaming – We make choices and decide to (or not to) take action based on our thoughts and perceptions; not on facts.
2. Monkey Mindedness – We ignore the present and focus solely on the past (rehashing what we should have done or said) or the future (making plans for what we will or will not do)
3. Old, Outgrown Ideas – We interact with others in ways that are no longer beneficial to us, even though those ways were helpful in the past or for a specific purpose in our lives.
4. Wrongheaded Righteousness – We have an obsessive need to be right or the more dangerous need to let everyone else know that we’re right. We’re not able to let something go.

After we identify our hook (or hooks), we can look at the different ways to unhook. (Chapters 4-8)

1. Show Up – Be willing to face our past or present circumstances. Deal with the issues that agonize us instead of locking them up inside and and replaying negative situations in our head.
2. Step Out – Put distance between us and the thought in order to get perspective on the situation. When we’re too close to it, we miss vital pieces of information. 
3. Walk Your Why – Align ourselves and thoughts to our values. What do we care about and believe in? What guides our actions? Who do we want to be? What do we want to be remembered for?
4. Tiny Tweaks Principle – Make small changes to our behaviors and thoughts for big results. What we decide to think, speak, and choose makes a difference.
5. See-Saw Principle – Pursue the delicate, but much needed, balance between competence and comfort. Embrace our strengths. Stretch ourselves to grow. Protect ourselves from overwhelm.

Unhooking ourselves is part of the journey toward emotional agility. David defines emotional agility as the way we navigate our inner experiences (i.e., thousands of thoughts, feelings, and experiences that go on in our mind every day) in a way that allows us to live a thriving, intentional life.

We don’t have to stay bound by the life that happened to us. God’s Word assures us that we can unhook and experience a fulfilled life.

Jesus said, “I have come so that they may have life and have it in abundance” (John 10:10 CSB). 

We don’t have to stay bound by the way we have been made to feel by others who were unhealthy participants in our lives. God’s Word assures us that when we completely surrender to Jesus we can unhook. The Apostle Paul wrote…

“Do not be shaped by [conformed to; pressed into a mold by] this world [age]; instead be changed within [transformed] by a new way of thinking [or changing the way you think; the renewing of your mind]. Then you will be able to decide [discern; test and approve] what God wants for you [is God’s will]; you will know what is good and pleasing to him and what is perfect” (Romans 12:2 EXB).

We also don’t have to stay bound by past experiences. They don’t define who or what we are. God’s Word assures us that when we follow after the life and teachings of Jesus, we are no longer who we used to be.

Again, we can look at what Paul wrote. “When someone becomes a Christian, he becomes a brand new person inside. He is not the same anymore. A new life has begun!” (2 Corinthians 5:17 TLB).

What thoughts, feelings, and experiences from your past still swirl around in your head and influence the way you view yourself and others? 

Are you listening to unhelpful information that bombards you with reasons to believe you’re not fit to take on a new role at work, you’re not wanted by others, you’re failing as a spouse or parent, or you’re too idealistic and can’t possibly live out our dream?

Did you answer yes to any of these? Read the following advice Paul wrote in Philippians 4:8-9 (MSG).

“…you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse.”

It’s time to unhook! Review the ways to unhook (above). Select one to put into practice today.

Detach from problematic patterns. Connect to the power of Christ.

Do we really know who we are, or have we been wearing a mask for too long? To be emotionally and spiritually healthy, we need to have a clear understanding of who we are and whose we are.

In a study published in Frontiers in Psychology, PhD student, Moyu Liu of the University of Tokyo surveyed 1,289 people and found their “using positive emojis to express positive feelings correlated with personal wellbeing, and that positive emojis could be used to mask the expression of negative feelings.” 

Another study conducted by JobSage found “more than 3 in 5 [employees] said that they are currently hiding at least one thing about their identity from their employer and 64% said that they’ve experienced backlash after revealing something about themselves, most often being treated unkindly or ignored completely.”

With the unpleasant responses people give to us, it’s no wonder we mask who we are and how we feel. I can still remember trying so hard as a kid to be who others wanted me to be. In elementary school, my friends didn’t really like who I was. When I started changing and mimicking what I observed them saying and doing, they still didn’t like me. I was stunned. What was I supposed to do? If they didn’t like me or me being like them, who was I supposed to be?

Masking is a way to cover up behaviors, thoughts, and actions we don’t want others to know about or see. To be widely accepted, we choose to hide ourselves by not expressing what’s really on our minds or revealing how we truly engage or behave.

According to a PsychCentral article, There are at least 11 personality masks we might wear. Based on the masks listed, I’ve grouped them into four categories:

Disguising Low Self-Esteem

• The martyr or victim mask – Instead of accepting blame, we may blame external factors for our problems and failures
• The bully mask – We may put on this mask to keep others away, because we’ve been hurt or abused and are unsure of ourselves.
• The self-bashing mask – We may put ourselves down, even jokingly, as way to protect ourselves from being hurt by others putting us down.

Hiding True Emotions

• The humor mask – We may crack jokes to mask sadness and pain, or to avoid having others laugh at us.
• The calm mask – If bottling up our emotions is the only way to keep us calm, we may eventually have an unexpected emotional outburst or experience mood swings.
• The avoidant mask – Fearing rejection, we may isolate ourselves from others or stay quiet in social settings.
• The socializer mask – To cover our insecurity, we rely on our people skills. We may know lots of people, but the relationships are on the surface. There is no deep connection.

Striving for Perfection

• The overachieving mask – Our self-esteem may be tied to the praise we receive for doing things perfectly. Mistakes might be internalized and cause anxiety.
• The controlling mask – We may have a need to control things to have everything working in perfect order or going as planned. This may help us feel secure.

Longing for Acceptance

• The people-pleasing mask – We may go out of our way to please others. Our self-worth is tied to how well we can make others happy.
• The conformist mask – In order to belong to certain groups or to gain someone’s approval, we adjust to their way of thinking and doing.

Read 11 Personality Masks We Wear for a full description of each mask.

After reviewing this list, perhaps we notice our one go-to mask, or maybe we recognize a combination of masks we use. Though we aren’t alone in masking our identities, as the studies above show, we should seriously consider the impact this has on us.

When we mask, we are not only spending time and energy on hiding parts of ourselves, but we are exerting even more time and energy behaving and communicating as someone we are not. Dialing down who we really are and amping up characteristics others prefer to see in us can be exhausting.

Why do we even want to act, look, and sound like someone else or everyone else? From the strands of hair on our head to the combination of personality traits we possess, we are fearfully and wonderfully made by God (Psalm 139:14). We are uniquely created. No one has our same heartbeat. No one has our same fingerprint. 

Though I learned that truth of God’s Word years ago and truly believed it, I struggled sometimes with being myself. My journey toward knowing who I really was began in college with an introduction to the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. The assessment opened my eyes to language that accurately described my behavior and perspective, and the reasons behind the two. That was the moment I started feeling more comfortable in my own skin.

Every now and then, I find myself fighting the urge to hide who I am. My own nagging inner voice reminds me of things people have said (even recently) about me, and then I’m tempted to mask again—even a little part of me.

When we’re feeling tempted to mask, we should consider a few ways to avoid doing so:

1. Take time and space to reconnect with ourselves – This includes unburdening ourselves by acknowledging who we really are, how we actually behave, and what we really think and desire. 
2. Bring our uniqueness to the forefront – This means embracing our unique skills, voice, and perspective and using these to engage with and serve others.
3. Share more of ourselves with others – Be authentic and vulnerable. Start opening up more to a trusted group of people, first, to build up our courage.

There’s only one of us on this earth, and we have a limited time to exist. Let’s not waste it on being anyone other than ourselves. Remove the masks.

An iceberg is often used to illustrate what is happening with us and our emotions.

In his book, Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, Peter Scazzero explains that when we see an iceberg in the ocean, we’re actually viewing only about 10% of it. The other 90% is underneath the surface.

Similarly to an iceberg, when people see us, they are only seeing a small part of who we are (the tip as it were). Unless we have been intentional about sharing the many parts of ourselves with others, then what most people see of us (or what we often allow them to see) is only on the surface. Yet, there is so much more to us. We may not even realize it ourselves.

So much about us is rooted deeply in our genetics, our family traditions and belief systems, the environmental conditions we have inhabited, and a host of other circumstances. For some of us, those family and life experiences were good. For others, those things were not. But both the good and not-so-good make up who we are today.

According to Scazzero, the “10% represents the ways we conduct ourselves and the changes we make that others can see.” For example, the way we treat people, the places we choose to frequent, and the activities we participate in (or avoid) are all actions people can easily observe. They can see us doing good things–even godly things, modeling our lives according to God’s Word. However, the largest part of us is hidden from others, and often we think we’re hiding that part of us from God as well. Or, maybe we simply forget that he created us and is aware of everything that concerns us.

Instead of concealing a major portion of our being, let’s ask God for His grace and revelation to understand those things that are below the surface.

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Look Beneath the Surface

People are complex, subtle, and a lot of our behaviors just don’t seem to make logical sense. But people behave the way they do for a reason, and frequently that reason is tied to emotion. . . .

There are many drivers “beneath the surface”: your mental state, your physical self, your spirit, and certainly your emotions. Emotional intelligence lets you explore and understand a large part of what’s hidden beneath the surface—in yourself and in others. As you come to understand these emotional drivers, you will become more able to strategically use emotions to get optimal results. . . .

As you develop your understanding of EQ, you will become more skilled in diving beneath the surface and seeing the magnificence and complexity of the whole iceberg.

From “At the Heart of Leadership: How to Get Results with Emotional Intelligence” by Joshua Freedman

Do any of these statements sound familiar?

“Stop being so emotional.”

“Leave your emotions at the door.”

“Don’t let yourself feel negative emotions.”

A few years ago, I learned a few things about emotions that conflict with these statements:

1. Emotions offer valuable information.
2. We are emotional beings. So, it’s not healthy to ignore this facet of ourselves.
3. Categorizing some emotions as good and others as bad can lead us to ignore what’s happening beneath the surface.

Over the next few months, we’ll talk about emotional health…defining it, discussing its importance, describing what it looks like, and digging into the challenges and rewards. We’ll do this by highlighting various experts on the subject of both emotions and emotional health.

Each person’s journey to healing in this area will take different paths, but the final destination to emotional health will offer a strong sense of self and greater compassion toward others.

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See Emotions as Assets

Emotions affect decision making, they affect how we engage and influence others, and they affect our own energy. In turn this changes how we are and what we accomplish as a leader and as a person. It’s as if we’re on a raft being driven by a river. We can hang out on the raft and ignore the river and end up being tossed around. Or we can get our hands and feet wet and assert a great deal of influence on the way the raft moves.

And yet, we have all experienced how emotions can escalate and then how we can make bad decisions when we’re highly emotional. We’ve experienced that emotions seem to cloud our thinking. We’ve experienced that emotions can be confusing and hard to manage.

Perhaps the problem is not emotions. Perhaps the problem is a lack of training.

From “At the Heart of Leadership: How to Get Results with Emotional Intelligence” by Joshua Freedman